If I can't feel it, it's not there
by Elise.v
Summary: 'I was immortal. My burning eyes never closed, my heart never stopped, my tears never were enough, my pain never ended...' Merlin's prepared to give up the last thing he has left, just so he will get rid of the pain! But his actions will not go by without consequences.


**Hey! This is something I thought of. Hope you'll enjoy. Let me know what you think and if I should continue. :)**

After Arthur had passed away, I couldn't think properly anymore. It was just too much. Too much. I had failed my destiny, my life was worthless, _I_ was worthless. Months passed for me just sitting at the shore of the lake, waiting for death to take me, but when it never came, I assumed even death didn't want me. I was immortal.

My burning eyes never closed, my heart never stopped, my tears never were enough, my pain never ended...

I had failed Arthur, and this was the price I had to pay. Arthur wouldn't return, I knew that. Destiny just wanted to deceive me, yet again. But this time I wouldn't fall for it.

For the first time in a month, I let myself fall on my back and screamed. For what did I deserve all this! I never wanted anything like this in the first place, I never had a choice! Never! Again I screamed, closing my eyes in utter pain. After a shaky breath, my vision blurred yet again with tears and I began to sob.

Will this pain ever lessen? Suddenly I fell silent, my eyes opening widely. That was it! The pain didn't have to lessen, that was if I wouldn't feel it...

I sat upright and embraced my knees tightly. Would I really do this? It was something I never had done before, and I should be scared of it. But then again, why would I be, there's no use in my life anymore. I took a deep breath and let the magic flow through me. When it reached my eyes, they burned a bright gold. After long minutes in which nothing happened, I forced more magic out of me, this had to work. But maybe my magic had no effect when used wrong.

_"Hey stop that, I'm here okay?" _I heard a voice resound in my mind. I let out a sigh of relief; it had worked. "_So, what do you want from me, oh mighty Emrys?" _sarcasm, well, I hadn't expected anything else._  
_"I want you to do something for me" I whispered with a hoarse voice. _"And what will that be exactly?" _he said slowly.  
I gulped. "You have to take my emotions from me"  
I was answered with a soft breeze that made my neck hairs stand up-right. Suddenly I felt a strong hand grab my shoulder and I turned around in shock, to see it was me who had done it. My hair seemed blacker and was longer and messier, covering my ears and brow. I wore my normal clothes, but black as ebony. My skin, including my lips, was white as snow, the shadows beneath my eyes standing out evidently. But the thing I couldn't look away from, were my red-shining irises. I was absolutely terrified.

When he saw I was staring at him, petrified and shocked, he rolled his eyes and let go of my shoulder. "What? What had you expected? Two horns and a tail?"

I gulped and shook my head to focus once more. He even used my own voice. I was so confused. Repeatedly I had to tell myself that that, wasn't me. "Sorry" I said weary and looked him in the eye again. He raised one of his eyebrows and continued.

"Anyway, so what you want, is that I take away your emotions?"

"Exactly" I nodded. 'You're not, and never will become anything like that' I encouraged myself. I saw him eyeing me suspiciously. He folded his arms over his chest and leaned forward, causing me to flinch. The red-glowing irises seemed to penetrate my very sole.

"That's a very dangerous game you play there, Merlin" It sounded weird how he used my name, like we were friends, but I decided to ignore it. "Emotions is what makes humans human, you know that?"

"I know, and I don't care" I hissed. "I am no human anymore; you took away my mortality!" venom evident in my voice. He straightened himself and smirked, sending a shiver down my spine.

"That's true, but now you want me to make you even less human by taking away your emotions?"

"I told you I don't care about being human" He rose one eyebrow at me and dropped his smirk.

"And what if I don't want to take away your emotions?" I stood up and frowned, but my knees gave up on me.

"I'll give you something in return" I whispered, tears pricking in my eyes. I felt so defeated. He clapped his hands, happy with himself.

"Look, now we're talking. And what will it be that you're offering me?"

"I don't care" I glared at him. I feared he would demand it, I have nothing left to give.

"I want your magic" He said slowly, without any hesitation. My magic. Is it even possible? I've been told it is part of my sole, a part of me. Probably it will leave me just as easily as everything else he had considered being precious. It has no use anyway. It had always been meant for Arthur. The pain I felt now and every time I thought of him, that agonizing pain, caused me to grab and shake his snow-like hand. I forced myself to look at him and saw a psychopathic grin running away from his face, just before he disappeared.

The next thing I felt was the empty space, where my magic had been just seconds ago. I sank on my hands and knees and gasped for air. Tears ran freely down my cheeks and I screamed. When I looked up, I noticed my vision started to change. All the colours were fading until they ended up being a shade of grey. When the last colour was gone, so was the pain. And all my other emotions. The tears stopped welling up, my jaws relaxed, and the frown and pained expression melted away. I was free... I smiled, though I couldn't feel the happiness either. Just nothing... It wasn't there anymore.

_"Watch out, Emrys. That you don't feel it doesn't mean it isn't there... It will all be there, and someday everything you've ever felt will escape at once... But until that day arrives, I'll be there for you" He laughed, as if he had won a game Merlin didn't know he was playing._

I knew that is was terrifying, but nothing made me shiver or react at all, before I was pulled into the black sea of unconsciousness.


End file.
